Who Has been Particularly Kind to Me?

I love new beginnings!

A new day, an new week.

I count my blessings…

My back is not as sore as it has been for… six months…

That sure is a great blessing to me!

It’s been a hard couple of weeks with my back…

The days go by and I’m content – most of the time…

When I get cabin-fever I take a ride and see something different.

I’m grateful to be able to have a change of scenery.

I’m grateful the Botanic Garden is open again.

(Actually I discovered it isn't... it'll be open in August.)

I’ll be heading there soon.

It’s been closed for months – so I’ll wait for the rush to die down.

We have load-shedding again – the power is going off at 8 this evening.

It will come on again at 30 minutes past midnight.

That means… no electric blanket!

So – sheet shock!

Ah well… this too shall pass!

My Focus 2020 pondering continues…

Read on if you are interested…

I love you!

Mom / Judy

FOCUS – written a couple of days ago…

Here goes!

Who has been particularly kind to me?  How has this changed my life?

Not many people I know, know how to be what feels kind to me.

Kind I like… pity I do not…

I remember in one training session saying “Don’t pity me…”

I wonder why I am so resistant to being pitied.

I do NOT like being pitied.

The kind ones…

A few names come up over and over:  Sylvia Poss (my FAMSA trainer,)

Chris Golden (one of my ecclesiastical leaders,)

Carole Morrison (My friend with whom I’ve shared more about myself than any other,)

my Dad (who amazes me over and over as I find things he gave me, and did for me,)

my sister Jane, my brothers Tim, Les and Ron (who know me the longest of anyone alive.)

At times my children have felt, still feel, exceedingly kind and compassionate to me.

(They know me intimately…)

My husband feels kind and considerate to me.  I am grateful.

Interesting that the same ones who have felt/feel very kind to me are also the ones

who have also been able to/can hurt me in ways that have felt mortally wounding.

Interesting too that the ones I have felt were/are cruel and punishing to me

have also been the ones who have felt/are exceedingly kind to me at other times.

I remember a training session I attended in which we were asked

to list the people who have hurt us on one half of our piece of paper.

And then, on the other half of the same page, the names of the people who have helped us…

with the comment “You may find that the same people appear in both lists.”

True…  Instructive.

I’m grateful to have people I can count on.

Not always the same ones, but when I need someone I can count on,

I can find several to choose from.

“All these things shall give thee experience and be for thy good.” comes to my mind.

What an education!

Every relationship is in our life is for us to learn something about ourselves.

Also about others… and about life, the world.

I’m reminded over and over of the truth of that.

I hope I learn the lessons I need to learn – fast!  Eventually!

I’m interested that I keep on learning!

I’ve learnt about myself “I’ll give you more chances than you deserve…

but, when I’m done, I’m done.”  I’ll walk away, not needing to look back.

No regrets… I gave it all I knew how to give.

I’m really grateful to those who are able, have been able, to be what feels kind to me.

It’s blessed me, my life, and softened my heart, made me more human, more relatable.

Who has been particularly kind to you?  How has this changed your life?

What or who do I need to resist?  How can I do this effectively – and graciously?

Actually, I hardly ever feel the need to resist anything or anyone anymore.

I can be in their presence and not feel bullied or enticed.

I feel like what I don’t want just flows past me, away from me.

I don’t often feel “tempted” and the need to consciously resist.

I used to…  it has been hard at times, and very hard on occasion.

Substances, behaviours, people…  they’ve got under my skin in the past.

My life is simpler now, there aren’t the provocations and close contact with

some people and circumstances that I needed to have in the past.

They were instructive to me – of what I wanted and what I DIDN’T want!

How I wanted to be and how I DIDN’T want to be.

I understand myself, others and ‘life’ more these days.

I understand better who I uniquely am.

I understand better what I want.

I also understand more who and what I don’t want.

I’m able to “stay away” and “govern myself” more effectively.

I also know how to “go to” and say “No” to myself and others.

And – I keep on learning!

I hope I’m gracious and respectful about it…

I try to be.

I try to accord other people the courtesy I like to receive.

I hope I succeed more often than I used to be able to.

I’ve discovered the vocabulary and tones of voice that feel like they “fit” me.

I know what food I like to eat, and what my body likes,

what helps me function as best as I can.

I’ve discovered what colours and clothes I like to wear, that feel like “me.”

I’ve discovered how and where I like to live.

I’ve discovered how I want to spend my hours, my days, my life.

I’ve discovered the median pace I like to live.

I know what I like to read, listen to and watch, and what I don’t.

I’ve discovered who my friends are –

the ones that can be with me through thick and thin, sick and sin.

I’m enjoying the great adventure of my life.

I don’t actually know from day to day where my journey will take me…

And – I like that…  I do not like to be bored.

I do not like to be stuck in a rut.

I do not like to feel helpless, purposeless, wasting my time, my life!

 What or Who do you need to resist… How can you do it effectively and graciously?...

 Sometimes graciously has to go out the window... The resistance just needs to be done!

J

What do I Stand Up for? What do I Stand Out for?

Sunday Afternoon May 10th 2020

It’s been a whirl of a week!

A baby boy born in the Ward at the beginning of the week

and another at the end of the week.

Thank goodness for being able to call on their ministering sisters

to stand by them!  In ways they could… remotely…

They helped me bear my Relief Society President’s load.

In these Covid 19 circumstances there are Ward people in distress.

I needed to help one family.

We had our Ward Council meeting… using zoom.

Travis, next door, helped me get organised with that.

We had our first Relief Society Presidency meeting by Whatsapp video.

Douglas helped me understand how to do that.

I was glad to see and talk to my one counsellor and

my secretary whom I don’t know yet.

I was glad for the one familiar counsellor’s face on my phone…

I also had two counselling sessions by video technology…

Another learning curve…

On the one day, Thursday I think, I was just… dazed…

I went out into the garden and spent some time weeding.  Grounding…

I reached out to one of my long-long-time friends.

She has her own mental health challenges.

She was able to phone me back a day later.

After spending a lovely hour with her, just chatting and being the two of us,

I felt refreshed and “together” again…

I’m also doing more Tai Chi sessions.  That’s also helped.

Yesterday while I did this and that around the house

I watched a feast of TED talks to learn more about autism,

Asbergers and depression.

That change of focus helped too.

There’s so much we didn’t know when we were raising our children.

We didn’t know about much ourselves.  We were both “Babes in the woods.”

And we couldn’t know what it was not possible to know then about

what we didn’t know about raising children.

I thank God for a Bordeaux school bulletin in which was the poem

“Bill of Rights

Please, let me grow as I be,

And try to understand why I want to grow like me,

Not like my Dad hopes I’ll be,

Please try to understand and help me to grow just like me!”

I looked the quote up on the internet – it’s by Hungarian born Magda Gerber.

Her work is shared on magdagerber.org

I would have loved to know more about her at the time in the snippets

I’ve just read briefly.

I’m glad for the Bill of Rights above… It helped me. 

I tried, the very best I knew how… as much as I was able to…

Thankfully, Glenn has been deeply absorbed this week in what he’s doing in the workshop.

Our time together this week at breakfast, lunch and in the evenings has been lovely.

And now my thoughts on the Focus 2020 question for the week:

What do I stand up/stand out for?  Does anything need to change?  If so, what?

Good question…

I don’t know!

I know what I hope I stand up and out for…

Let me know what you think I stand up and out for if you feel like it…

I asked Glenn, and he gave me an answer.

I said “That’s what I want to be known for… but sometimes I’m a wimp, a coward.”

That’s the truth…

Ask those around you what they see you stand up/stand out for…

It’s a precious gift indeed when someone tells you how they see you.

I’m reminded of the Scottish poet, Robert Burns, who said

“O, wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us!
It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
An' foolish notion.”

It’s a precious gift indeed when someone shares with you how they see you.

It’s also painful sometimes that what you want the other to see and know

is not what you intend or want to be known for, seen for.

Then the search for the truth begins…

Am I being and portraying myself accurately?

Is there some hiccup in their receiving me as I actually am?

The journey of a life-time.

What’s “The journey?”

I think it’s “To be who I am”

and to live my one precious life the way I want to live it.

To be authentic.

I enjoy Judge Judy (on TV) when I get the opportunity to see her.

I remember one thing she said in a programme a long time ago that I wrote down…

“It’s your life!  Live it well.”

If you don’t do that, the consequences are not what you want to have…

Well, the consequences might not be what you want anyway,

we are not the only ones involved in how our lives “turn out.”

But if you’ve lived your life well, there’s a deep peace of conscience

no matter what’s going on around you.

Long, long ago I got a book called “Minute Masterpieces.”

One poem in there helped me to live with myself more contentedly.

By Edgar A Guest – any relation Kieran?

“Myself” I have to live with myself and so I want to be fit for myself to know. I want to be able as days go by, always to look myself straight in the eye; I don't want to stand with the setting sun and hate myself for the things I've done. I don't want to keep on a closet shelf a lot of secrets about myself and fool myself as I come and go into thinking no one will ever know the kind of person I really am, I don't want to dress myself up in sham. I want to go out with my head erect I want to deserve all men's respect; but here in the struggle for fame and pelf I want to be able to like myself. I don't want to look at myself and know I'm bluster and bluff and empty show. I never can hide myself from me; I see what others may never see; I know what others may never know, I never can fool myself and so, whatever happens I want to be self respecting and conscience free. What do you stand up for? What do you stand out for? Love Mom / Judy / Gran Judy

What Changes Do I Need To Make?

Sunday Afternoon – April 26^th 2020 

Hilmar, you say “What a day…”  For us it’s been “What a week…”  

And, it’s been a good week!

Kayla’s birthday celebration last Sunday – lunch and afternoon/evening together at Doug and Nadia’s, we had Doug and Nadia, Ethan Daena and Cabryn here for supper on Tuesday; Ethan’s supper and opening of his mission call to Cape Town mission on Thursday at Doug and Nadia’s;

  

Doug and Nadia’s 21^st wedding anniversary, combined with Nadia’s grandmother’s 86^th birthday celebration supper here on Friday evening. 12 of us wandering there and here to rejoice and celebrate together… (Doug, Nadia, Ethan, Daena, Cabryn; Travis, Kayla; Nadia's mother Erene, Erene's mother Miriam (or Marion to some) and Erene's daughter Roisin; and Glenn and me.)

Along the way we updated ourselves with the current Corona Virus national information, and accomplished more property maintenance and development:  Glenn replaced a toilet washer, and another toilet fitting, took out our old shower in the other part of the house, cleaned it and replaced the shower – it was leaking.  I did more gardening and sorting, particularly in our outside storeroom.  Satisfying, I must say.

Monday – (Freedom Day)

And, here we are into the new week…

 It’s a public holiday here – not that it makes any difference...  J 

Not much change in our routines, just different programming on the radio programmes.

And now – on to the question to consider for the week…

What changes do I need to make?  Why do I need to make them?

I’m one of those who is making changes all the time as I realise I’m “off track.”

(Off the track I decide I want to travel on.) 

I wonder where I learnt that?

I think perhaps it grew into my consciousness?

I remember feeling at one point “Oh!  I’ve let my standard slip…”

And – “This doesn’t feel nice for me… What needs to be done?”

Also – “Oh!  Am I supposed to influence, if I can…?!”

And – “My children don’t take me seriously because I do not get angry…”

“I don’t like the way I sounded – to myself!  No matter how I sounded to him/her…”

“Oh Judy – that was a low blow… What on earth were you thinking when you said that?!”

“I acknowledge you have the right to behave and speak the way you choose…

however… you’ll lose me if you don’t find your ways to govern yourself better…”

“I claim the privilege of worshiping according to the dictates of my own conscience.”

“You also have that privilege to worship, or not, who, how, where and what you may.”

“I didn’t sign up for this…”

“This is more than I know how to deal with… who can help me?”

“Firm, fair and friendly… that who I am.  How can we live this together...?”

“I am a wonderful, worthy woman of God.  I deserve to be loved and appreciated…

I am worthy.  I am loved and appreciated… by many others.”

“I am your mother… you are my teenage child… 

I will behave in an adult manner no matter how you react and behave.”

“I choose my life and how I’ll be (within the bounds that I can’t change.
Or the changes I'm  not going to make.  You can pull out you want to, I'm not going to.)”

Of course… I was not always successful in the face of the voices and actions of accusation, opposition, provocation, and immaturity from within me to myself and others,

and from those outside of and around me.  

I could not be more mature than I was able to be. 

Neither were those around me able to be more mature than they were able to be.

None of us can know what we don’t know yet, or be mature than we can be at any given time.

Hopefully we’re all growing, striving, growing up.

Somehow or other I did not give up on those important to me, and they did not give up on me…

We learnt to respect ourselves and each other in increasing degrees I think?

I guess we learnt, and are still learning, to live, love, learn, set and keep rational and civil limits.

Hopefully there is some sort of worthwhile legacy of what we want to pass down to our future generations and what we want to let go of and not pass down.

And that “worthwhile or worthless legacy” does not depend only on what I, and we, decide.

I hope I keep on changing in ways that make me a better person and easier to live with.

What changes do you still need to make, and why?

I love you!

Mom / Judy / Gran Judy etc

Hymn (Number 240) made an impression on me when I was a child.

It continues to be deeply meaningful to me.

(I hope it is included in the new hymnbook currently being compiled…)

Know this, that ev’ry soul is free

To choose his life and what he’ll be;

   For this eternal truth is giv’n:

   That God will force no man to heav’n.

He’ll call, persuade, direct aright,

And bless with wisdom, love, and light,

   In nameless ways be good and kind,

   But never force the human mind.

Freedom and reason make us men;

Take these away, what are we then?

   Mere animals, and just as well

   The beasts may think of heav’n or hell.

May we no more our pow’rs abuse,

But ways of truth and goodness choose;

   Our God is pleased when we improve

   His grace and seek his perfect love.

Who/What Do I Really Love?

Monday afternoon April 20th 2020

Who/what do I really love?  In what ways is this good for me/not good for me? 

Last week was the week I made some cloth masks.

I hauled down plastic crates of fabrics gathered from projects and stored.

Short-sleeved shirts bought from the shop for Glenn are too short in the sleeves.

What I’ve done is buy long sleeved shirts and cut them to ‘longer short’ sleeves.

So – I had a bunch of sleeve cut-offs as well as loads of other fabrics.

The sleeves did for the outer layers of three masks, the other fabrics for the other layers.

I felt like using the striped cut off of one of my T shirts for the fourth mask.

I fiddled around with a pattern from the internet.

And in the end I made it my own to make it more comfortable.

So – here are my four masks.

I might make some more – I learnt from mine, and seeing the ones Dianne made…

And then it was on to thinking about our 71^st and 75^th birthday and also 50^th wedding anniversary - all on the same day…

Doug came and asked what we’d like to mark the occasion.

He offered for his family to make dinner for us.

That felt lovely!  I gratefully accepted.

Later I thought… I know what would be meaningful to me!

If his children (more technologically adept than I) would digitize my photograph albums…

He discussed it with them and they agreed.

Sigh of relief…

We enjoyed a lovely evening with them – roast dinner at Glenn’s request,

and vanilla cake with chocolate icing for me and melktert for Glenn for desert!

At a later time we’ll take off for a weekend somewhere…

And now to the question for the week:

Who/What do I really love? 

In what ways is this good for me/not good for me?

Well – I really love living my life. 

Isn’t this little lizard just exquisite?

And I paused a couple of times this week to enjoy a beautifully marked large moth and another time a smaller but still magnificent little moth.

I am amazed at the gorgeous detail in a flower.

Yesterday I sat and watched a couple of birds bouncing on the stems of the geranium outside the spare room window.

I love the sound of the wind swishing through the pine needles in the park opposite us.

I love the taste and texture of my breakfast fruit and vegetable smoothie each morning.

I love the feel of the cotton sheets on our bed.

I love living and learning.

A long time ago – it seems – I decided on ten priorities for me to concentrate on each day.  I wrote them out and stuck them in the lid of the plastic box that contains my makeup I apply every day.

 Each day I remind myself of what is important to me.  If/When I want to I will change my list.

“Do my best – most of the time” is really, really honest.  Sometimes I just do not want to do my best. I am ornery.  That signals to me that it’s time for me to take some “Time Out.”  Sometimes ‘sufficient’ is good enough, my ‘best’ is not necessary.  I try for enough for each “thing” I need to participate in, not too little and not too much.  I like the phrase “sufficient for my (these) needs.”

And – I have long wanted to become a woman of faith and commitment, wisdom and courage.

When I go to bed at night I want to have few regrets.

And, when I depart this life, I want to be glad to go and report rather than look back with regrets.

In what ways is this list and my daily life good for me?

It keeps me from being too distracted by all the fascinating and interesting things and people that happen upon my daily path.

Concentrating on my list of ten helps me have time to meander, wander and wonder, read something uplifting and learn something every day.  I enjoy my days because they don’t get too crowded.

In what ways might my priorities and my daily life not be good for me?

I might miss someone or something critically important for me to attend to… 

I hope not too blinkered to miss who or what is vital for me to see, hear, be a part of…

To each of us our own priorities…

Who/What do you really love?  In what ways is this good for you/not good for you?

Love

Mom / Judy / Gran Judy etc

Who/What Do I Listen to?

Sunday Afternoon – April 12^th 2020 – 

Easter Sunday… A time to remember New Beginnings…

Actually for me every day is a New Beginning.

I wake up and think, and sometimes say “I get to live another day!”

This week our lock-down time was extended to the end of April.

I’m just fine with that…

I’m enjoying the less stress of this time.

I’m grateful I have a home to live in, a safe home.

I’m grateful for the food I’ve accumulated over the months we’ve been home.

This week I worked on sorting out our 72 hour kits.

They are up-to-date now and ready should we need to use them.

There are a couple of items I’ll add when the lock-down is over,

but the essentials are all there.

This week I came across four holocaust stories.

This was the first one –  I was impressed by the girl's lovely face... and also by the title.

“All my Mothers.” 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5u5uVPd1Yvc

And then I watched three more.

“Whose Child are You?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jy1RZweXQF8

“They Gave me Life”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvL68rrIm-4

“That’s What I Hope”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFtj33U3weI

They made me really sit down and think about many things…
How fortunate I am...  And what adversity they survived - at such a young age...

And now - the question ( from 2020 Focus) I put together a long time ago for this week:
“Who/What Do I Listen to?”

Actually I have discovered that I listen to everyone – I’m constantly looking for what is good, true and useful to me.  I don’t keep on listening if it doesn’t feel good to me, for me. I might have to still be ‘there’ but I’m not ‘present.’  Sometimes I speak up – if I think it important, or that it might do some good for someone involved in the conversation…  Otherwise I can keep silent.  I remember one instance when I was silent.  When I think back, perhaps it might have been useful to speak – I’m still not quite sure.

Sometimes it’s just not time to listen… so I don’t. 

I’ve learnt from many people along the way.

Paul in the Bible said “Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.” 1 Thes 5:21

That was a relief to me.  I explore all sorts of things when they come across my path.  Sometimes I go searching.  All my learning has helped me understand myself as well as more and more people – for which I am very grateful.

One of my favourite pieces of very useful stuff came from a Muslim woman in a group I was co-training at LifeLine.  I will add it to the end of this piece.

I love the radio:  SAFM, Radio Pulpit, Radio Sonder Grense, and TED Talks, and other talks on my phone.  I’m so glad to live in this day and age when knowledge is poured out.  I sift and save.

One holiday I was reading such an interesting book I had taken with me to read.  I remember saying to Heavenly Father “I’m so sorry I’m not reading my scriptures right now, this early morning – this is so interesting!  I’m learning so much…”  I ‘heard’ Him answer me “I told you to ^astudy and ^blearn, and become acquainted with all good books, and with ^clanguages, tongues, and people.” D&C 90:5

Another time I was troubled by a question I had from some training I received.  This came to my mind…  “…you must ^astudy it out in your ^bmind; then you must ^cask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your ^dbosom shall ^eburn within you; therefore, you shall ^ffeel that it is right.

But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a ^astupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong;” D&C 9:8

And this reminded me of the night I pleaded for clarity...

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might ^aknow concerning the truth of these things.

Did I not speak ^apeace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater ^bwitness can you have than from God?”  D&C 6:22,23

I answered the phone once and before I knew it filth was spewed into my head by an electronic voice.  I put down the phone amid "her" subsequent sentence.  I struggled to get rid of it.  I remember vacuuming and saying "Get out!  Get out of my head!  I do not want this contamination in my head!"  I also prayed for cleansing of my mind.  Eventually it came.  I'd forgotten about that time, until now... 

At other times I've needed to explore and find out just how good and remarkable my life was/is.  Time to really celebrate!  Other times I had/have to come face to face with just how bad and awful my "circumstance" really was/is... and find options, and explore, search and pray for more until some strategy and path beyond "the present" became/becomes clear and possible for me, considering all the ramifications I can think of - for myself and all the people involved...  

So I go happily on day by day on this great adventure that is my life - with increasing faith, understanding, gratitude and amazement in my every footstep.  J

Who/What do you listen to?  Why?  And, Why not?

Love

Mom / Judy / Gran Judy etc

From my Muslim group member years ago...

Just Because…

Just because no one has been fortunate enough

to realize what a gold mine you are -

Doesn't mean you're any less valuable.

Just because few have been smart enough

to figure out that you can't be topped -

Doesn't stop you from being the best.

Just because no one has

made this race worthwhile - so far,

Doesn't give you permission to stop running.

Just because few have come to

help take your loneliness away -

Doesn't mean you have to settle

for a lower quality of relationship.

Just because you deserve the very best there is -

Doesn't mean that life is always fair.

Just because your situation

doesn't seem to be progressing right now -

Doesn't mean you need to change a thing.

Keep shining,

Keep running,

Keep hoping,

Keep praying,

Keep being exactly what you are already…

WONDERFUL.

Conceive it, Believe it, Achieve it.

KEEP GOING – FOREVER.

From: Al Qalam