Christmas Eve 2014 Thoughts

Long read...

I'm towards the "I" extreme of the Introvert/Extrovert continuum.
Some people might not believe me... 
I have learnt to live in this world of the extrovert majority.

Christmas time is still largely a trial for me for several reasons.
I've moved from "deeply hating Christmas" to
"enduring and being really glad when it is over"
to "mildly enjoying it."

My 20 month old nephew drowned in my parents' swimming pool
thirty six years ago.
We were all there enjoying opening presents.
He wandered off.
The swimming pool gate had been left open.
He was found at the bottom of the pool.
Despite our first aid efforts he was declared dead when we took him to the hospital.
Christmas has never been the same for me since then.
Not for my siblings and theirs either I suspect, particularly my brother Tim and Shirley,
Nikki and Jen who were about four or five and two or three. 
Jonathan and Susan, born afterwards, were no doubt affected too
whether their family tried or not to resume somewhat normal living...
and Christmasses after that?
They moved to Cape Town before the next Christmas.
We don't talk about it much these days. 
Perhaps we should again?

I remember the times of "I want... for Christmas" from several quarters
around me and me working to stay sanely within our budget
so we wouldn't be dealing with debt for months afterwards.
There is the expense of Christmas, and then immediately after
there used to be the expense of back-to-school...

And the ones I didn't remember to prepare a gift for... consternation! 
Honestly... too much for me.

For me the extremely different and expensive Christmas traditions
of my family in law were traumatic.
I wasn't as wise, or as brave, as I am now able to be...

How to share the vision of... "This is a celebration of the Saviour's birth..."
with my husband and children? 
How to be it for myself although no-one else around me might be observing it...

How to keep my head when all about me seem to be losing theirs - 
spending too much money, eating too much, and making too much noise -
for me at least?!

Everyone still wants a decorated house... few want to do it... 
even fewer want to pack away after Christmas...

School holidays... Glenn and our children at home wanting to do this and that... 
and wanting me to take them, fetch them, participate with them... 
And often it is hot, hot, hot! I just want to be at home, inside, in the shade. 
I am very glad we have a swimming pool at home!

Me wanting to please... cookies and treats and chocolates - home-made of course...
and a Christmas feast - shopped for and prepared by... me...
And... where do you put all the stuff prepared until the day! 
My fridge is full of regular things.
And there were still the normal shopping, meals to prepare,
and laundry and cleaning to do...
I so wanted to be all things to all my people.
I so wanted to be the best I could be...

I didn't grow up with that. 
We had once-a-year selection of fancy breakfast cereals for Christmas morning. 
My Mom would buy mielies, dump them in a pot and that would be our much-loved
Christmas dinner. 
I thought there must be something wrong with me...
I allowed too many people to make me doubt my rarity. 
There isn't anything wrong about me. 
God didn't make junk when He birthed me. 
I am a growing-up, unique, special and irreplaceable Woman of Worth.

It's hard for me to have mince pies, chocolates and biscuits around
and not binge on them. 
Yet others enjoy them and deserve to have them if they wish... 
They taste so good don't they!

Mid-Summer here... the grass needs mowing, the fruit trees are bearing,
preserving needs to be done, the pool needs extra watchfulness to be lovely.

The shops at Christmas time are madness for me. 
To much noisy music, too many loud people, too many bright and blinking lights. 
Bless you Angela for alerting me to
"Mom, you need to stay away from the shops at Christmas time." 
My life is greatly enhanced by living that rigorously. 
Now I choose Flora Centre rather than the Hyperama when Vi wants to go -
she loves shopping and being out...

I found this from my Tai Chi facebook feed yesterday:

Master Zhang San Feng said:

Once you have gained a bit of tranquillity, then you must consciously stabilize it at all times, whatever you are doing, even in the midst of activity and turmoil. Whether you have anything to do or not, always be as if unminding. Whether in the midst of quietude or in the midst of clamor, let your will be undivided.

Remembering this helped me when Vi wanted to go to the shops yesterday

for something she had changed her mind about in her gifts for Christmas. 

 I love the traditional Christmas Carols sung meaningfully. 

Thank you BYU television.

They are relatively hard to find elsewhere these days... 

Jane and I attended a Christmas Service in her local St Mary's Church (I think). 

I loved it!  Thank you Jane... 

I loved it when we made more effort for our Christmas sacrament meeting. 

By the time Christmas comes these days I am all sung out of carols

which are planned for the whole of December meetings.

Now... sometimes, when I can, if it is important to me...

I will go to the local Methodist Church for a more effortful,

more meaning-feeling Christmas service.  I give myself what I need. 

I loved to attend a Christmas oratorio. 

I don't do that much any more - it requires me to find one,

explain my absence from some of my family,

and get there and back by myself or find a companion who would enjoy it too. 

I'm glad I did it when I was younger! 

Good memories! 

I especially loved singing in them when I belonged to the

Johannesburg Philharmonic Choir...

Perhaps that will be possible again sometime! 

Now...

I prepare expense, food, gifts, decorations way, way ahead.

I am seldom doing what and being where I do not want to be.

But then... I no longer have four children and their friends around...
(I loved having you my children)

Nor four children, spouses, thirteen grand-children, and friends, around...
( I love you my loved-ones... I'm glad I can enjoy you in smaller doses...)

 

And I am learning to be firm, fair and friendly to myself and others.

I am learning graciousness - I feel so anyway. 

Perhaps one day I too will be “full of grace... and truth."

I hope so.

 

I didn't know I had so many words inside me!
 

Blessed Christmas tomorrow to you and yours.
I shall be thinking of you and loving you.